I see unpleasant things in myself

I've been reading some of the comment threads on older posts on my Plain Path Puritan blog (I did get some comments at times), and I'm surprised at how bizarrely knuckleheaded I come across at times. Especially when I couldn't recognize when someone was coming on in a way to intentionally be not hostile like the others and I'd, as if in a daze of 'everybody is the enemy', slam the person. Responding like I was continually under a hail of stones. And I notice that I'd often not answer direct questions which is something I've complained about in others.

Of course I don't know the context now, I mean being called a psycho and a liar 400 times by trolls can make you hyper defensive and hyper aggressive at the same time, but it's really not a 'me' that I like seeing (and I know it IS me).

Writing with understatement and little to no emotional volatility is a mark of a mainstream, or mature, voice. I'm all overstatement and high energy volatility. I can write the other way, but I default to the latter when I don't care and am just being me.

I kind of interact with people as if I'm never going to have to interact with them again. Actually one guy wrote a description of me, and he was just purely going on what he read on PPP (explaining the context would take too much time) and he kind of nailed me. He wrote, about me, on another blog:

"That would be sad indeed if that blog [Plain Path Puritan] was Robert T’s [he meant Robert K's, a name I was using on another blog]. But then again, sometimes the emotionally and psychologically unstable, who find self-justification for their unpleasant personalities by separating from “evil” people and seeing black and white in everything, have been spot on historically in some of their critiques. Anne Hutchinson did rightly discern the legalism in the New England churches, though she was somewhat nutty herself."

This guy proved to have some understanding in other things he wrote on the blog we were both commenting on at the time, before I was banned. When I was banned he announced he would leave too (a comrade!, no, actually I think he just wanted to get back to his daily work). But his words above do describe me: "But then again, sometimes the emotionally and psychologically unstable, who find self-justification for their unpleasant personalities by separating from “evil” people and seeing black and white in everything, have been spot on historically in some of their critiques."

It's hard to gauge just how much you are responsible for having an unpleasant personality and how much of it is a result from conditioning from all the friction that occurs when you are truly developing, not to mention the spiritual warfare crap you receive from the world simply because you have been regenerated by the Holy Spirit (big crime!).

Another difficultly is seeing the 'black and white' thing. Because, when you try to see everything in shades of gray you can lose your discernment of on-the-mark/off-the-mark. Separation becomes mixture becomes 'back in the fun house' and nothing is real or important!

And the two big subjects I've been involved in that has shown up this unpleasant personality in me is the Work, and biblical doctrine. Two subjects where being in the watery middle is the same as being in dead sleep and the devil's camp.

Switching to real life, I HAVE been conditioned to hate people though. I mean, I just *may* be a hater. You should hear me in traffic. Everybody's an annoying moron. I guess I'm doing that 'making requirements' thing, which I added to my list of features of false personality only after Simon brought it to my attention. I didn't see it because that's what I do. MY CHIEF FEATURE! FINALLY FOUND!

I should just tone it down.